It Starts With Empathy

Thank you for tuning back in to read more about neurodivergence in relationships after the Peter Pan Syndrome piece - welcome! We ended the last article highlighting that for those that feel frustrated or stuck in a relational pattern like the one last issue described, there are plenty of things that can be done to build a better partnership. Today is step 1 - what it starts with. It starts with empathy.

Let’s start with a very high level definition of sympathy vs empathy - my long list of English teachers and professors might balk at this, but here’s the best brief description I’ve got. Sympathy involves feeling sadness and sorrow for another person’s hardship(s). Empathy involves actively trying to step into the metaphorical shoes of the other person, in order to share and feel the emotional experience.

For the neurotypical, starting with empathy involves developing a deepening understanding of what the life experience for your neurodiverse partner might be like, both at a high level and on a daily basis. The same is true of what the neurodiverse partner is required to do as well - developing a deepening understanding of what the life experience for your neurotypical partner might be like, both at a high level and on a daily basis. Too often, when we look for clarity and understanding, we ask questions that are accusatory, not curious. I will fully embrace my love of the Ted Lasso episode that focuses on “be curious”. Empathy requires being curious from a neutral state, one that truly wants to learn and understand.

To help couples lay a framework for empathy and curiosity, I often invoke a brief survey tool I created, which I admittedly lazily have cutely dubbed the Squirrel Task and Drain Inventory. It sounds more overwhelming than it really is. What is it? It’s a very basic self ranking tool that each individual within the relationship completes live during a session with me, with the other partner present. It asks for each person to self-identify, across a list of common domestic tasks (the #1 argument and source of tension in 99% of couples I work with when neurodivergence is present), 3 things, on a basic 1-10 scale. The questions are 1: estimated time of completion of identified task 2: mental drain rating (how mentally exhausted does completing this task make the person) and 3: how likely would it be for a squirrel to distract from this task. Both individuals complete this, and are asked for feedback if there is any perception of a partner under/over reporting. Curiously enough, the vast majority of couples agree on the self-reports of their partners.

At the beginning of the following session, I present the couple’s responses and they begin rewarding the process of building empathy through mutual curiosity and understanding. I present the data to the couple. Both of them, let’s call them Partner A and Partner B, on one graph. It shows the discrepancy in the time and mental drain across multiple domestic tasks, alongside the ‘squirrel distraction rating’. For Partner A, the neurotypical partner, who has been snapping at their spouse, “can you PLEASE just unload the dishwasher, it doesn’t take more than 5 minutes”, this image is powerful. It shows Partner A that their 5 minutes is likely not Partner B’s 5 minutes. Partner B, the neurodiverse, might need 10-15 minutes for the same task. For the neurodiverse, particularly for those who have high rates of inattention, speed tends to not be their strength. This is not their fault. This is how they are wired. Does that mean they get a full pass? Absolutely not. That is where empathy from the neurodivergent partner must come in.

Being neurodivergent is not easy, and many neurodivergent adults speak about how difficult it was earlier in life, watching everyone do things faster than them, understand the world quicker than them, and seem to be able to execute with such ease. They longed to have that perceived ease, and many will admit they have overcorrected - they have made the erroneous assumption that because their neurotypical partner can do it faster, it must not be that big of a deal for the neurotypical partner, so they ask the neurotypical partner to take on more. And then more. Because the neurodiverse partner wants to help and said they would - but their brain is fried and they realized they just can’t for the moment - so they ask the partner who seems to have task execution easier. This cycle often repeats itself until the neurotypical partner snaps, often at the surprise of the neurodiverse partner who was genuinely too tired to notice to the subtle signals of growing resistance and resentment with each request.

Without understanding, or at least attempting to understand, your partners experience, whether you are neurodiverse or neurotypical, relationship repair will continue running into obstacles and setbacks, because neither party is willing to put empathy before their annoyance, resentment, and pent up hurt. But if those feelings - the annoyance, resentment, pent up hurt - can be placed behind the importance of being curious, you might just find that curiosity could in fact kill those feelings, or at least dull them down.